1st Testament: CIA Vengeance

"1st Testament: CIA Vengeance" is the first movie I watched on my trek to watch every movie available on Netflix. Now I've watched a lot of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 so I've seen some pretty horrible movies but this turd puts them all to shame-- wait, no... I guess this one elevates all other movies by setting a new low. The only redeeming value in this movie is the (I believe) unintentional comedy. The criticisms I have for this movie are too numerous to bother writing about but I'll go over a few of its failings.
The Plot
First off, I'm reticent about calling it a plot since not a damn thing happens. We're immediately introduced to our main character, CIA Agent Phillip whose first assignment is an assassination. Little does he know his target is former Mi5 operative, now member of Parliament, S&M control-freak Peter Armstrong who is also Phillip's friend! Of course, since he's a good solider Phillip kills his friend anyway (along with indiscriminately killing 3 innocent women but recruiting the male hotel clerk for no reason other than to keep him quiet), but not before agreeing to investigate "the organization". So there we go Agent Phillip not wanting to be a pawn of the CIA (who I think have their headquarters in a parking garage) anymore, accepts his doomed friends request to investigate them. Except.... no. He gets sent to kill another friend (possibly someone's wife, I'm not sure, who cares?) but when he refuses to go through with it he gets reassigned. His new assignment...? Training a Korean hooker to assassinate the South Korean president to prevent South and North Korea from reuniting. So why is the movie called 1st Testament?! Well it seems that "The Testament Group" is... something. Apparently it's a religious groups whose goal it is to eliminate all religious groups! Oh no! 'Cause that might happen! But wait! What's this?!! They may not be so bad after all! Ya see Agent Phillip has been studying their methods and since their nonsensical pseudo-metaphysical horseshit mumbo-jumbo helps the Korean whore get rid of a headache, they must be good! Agent Phillip must help these people! Or just ignore them for the rest of the movie. Oh, I almost forgot Agent Phillips gets knighted by the Prime Minister of England in America with a plastic, bejeweled sword in the breakroom, I think.
The Acting
Let's start by talking about the good acting in this movie. OK now that we've got that out of the way let's talk about the bad acting. In the interest of time, space and interest I'm just gonna focus on the "stars" of the production writer/producer/star Ron Becks and Fabio/Bigfoot amalgamation Luciano Saber. We're immediately treated to Ron Becks' acting style in his opening voice-over monologue which he reads like he has a gun to his head. Becks' performance is subtle, understated without the burdens of emotion or personality. His deadpan approach to acting is so precise and razor-sharp he's able to eliminate the "pan" and just go for dead. Luciano Saber's acting techniques, however, is the tried-and-true method of twitching all your facial muscles pointlessly while jerking your head about like a chicken. This is just a taste of the acting prowess in this gem. I haven't even touched on "The General" who can barely speak English or the two "British" characters with less-than-authentic english accents.
The Script
Possibly the most important part of any film, the script. We got the plot and the acting out of the way but without the script where would they be? At the very start of the film we're treated to these little treasures: In Agent Phillip's opening monologue- "No more wars, peace in the world and the CIA has gone to shit. In LA and Tokyo, they use their offices for sex parties. We used to kill the bad guys now we kill each other. I never know who the target is. Once it was a friend. My rival Agent Hawk uses his office to entertain. My boss Joan has me terminating friends but I know she's involved with The Testament Group. Ah, The Testament Group." From Agent Armstrong, in his I'm-sorry-is-that-supposed-to-be-British accent, through the bathroom door to his mistress- "Sweetheart, listen, you know I'm a possessive bastard and when I own you it's total, irreversible and passionate" After Agent Phillip kills his first 3 victims he takes out his cell phone and I suppose uses the speed dial and says the following- "Three!! Not one!! Three!!" then hangs up without another word. Oscar. Worthy. And this is before the first 15 minutes are up! The movie is chock full of the same quality dialogue. My favorite part is this little exchange between Agent Phillip and the Korean call-girl Noh from late in the movie:
Phillip:You say you feel sick. Where?
Noh: Like a migraine.
Phillip: Like a migraine.
Noh: Right between my eyes.
Phillip: Alright here's what I want you to do. Just keep talking to me, I'm gonna ask you some questions and just keep answering me. OK?
Noh: OK
Phillip: I want you to put this pain into a shape. Tell me what shape is it now
Noh: It's a ball.
Phillip: A ball. OK, how big is the ball? Use your hands to show me
Noh raises her hands and forms a ball with her hands
Noh: It's...
Phillip: About that big. Uh-hunh. What color is it now?
Noh: It's um, it's red.
Phillip: Red. OK, and what shape is it now?
Noh: Um, same shape.
Phillip: Mmm-hmm, and what color is it now?
Noh: It's almost like translucent. (pause) Wow!
....Brilliant.
I love a good horrible-movie and this one is the best horrible-movie I've ever seen. Highly-recommended! The entire thing is an exercise in embarrassment for everyone involved in it's production and I thank them for it.