This shit was painful. I mean like this was a turd with a barb on it. There was not a single redeeming value to this movie. Well besides everyone's favorite Chinese man who always looks drunk, Victor Wong. If you've seen the first movie you know the deal: 3 very white brothers with first-draft nicknames (Colt, Rocky and Tum-Tum) learn to be 'ninjas' from their mother's father. Aside from the subjuvenile action and sigh-inducing, head-shaking 'comedy' the most insulting part of this movie is the fact that the grandfather is obviously asian but his daughter is obviously not asian and the grandsons are again obviously not asian. I saw the first movie over a decade ago and being the youngest of 3 brothers it certainly appealled to my desire to be a day-saving ninja trio with my 2 older brothers. Even for a very brief period after seeing the first movie, I tried to constantly be eating candy like the youngest of the 3 Ninjas, Tum-Tum. We knew that wasn't enough though, so every snow day or holiday we had off from school but our parents worked, the living room and its sofa cushions became our ninja training ground. Whether they became the obstacle to crawl under, the wall to jump over or the punching bag to perfect our amazing roundhouse kicks on, we always practiced tirelessly for a good 15 minutes! Would it have had any less of an effect on me if the '3 Nnjas' were as asian as their grandfather or at least, I don't know... a quarter Japanese?
Whatever. The damage is done. The moral of the story here is: This movie is horrible on every level.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
'Neath the Arizona Skies
OK! I've got my XBox working again and I've signed up for Netflix so I'm back at this. So without further ado:
'Neath the Arizona Skies. This 1934 western stars a very young-looking Marion Robert Morrison or, as he's better known, John Wayne and as far as I can recall makes no mention of actually taking place in Arizona. It starts off with a letter notifying several native american tribes of when and where to receive payments for the oil struck under their land. None of the listed tribes are known to have lived in Arizona and none of the tribes known to have lived in Arizona are listed on the letter...
Regardless, our precocious co-star Nina, played by Sheila Jean Rickert, is a half-native american/half-white, half-orphaned/half-abandoned girl who stands to inherit a hefty sum for the oil under her deceased mother's land. First though, in order to maintain her claim to the land her guardian Chris Morrell (Wayne) has to find her white father, who skipped out before she was born, or prove he's dead. Of course, no-goodnik and menacingly-named Sam Black finds out about this and aims to kidnap Nina so he can steal all the money coming her way and chases the pair out of town. The hi-jinx don't end there! Chris escapes Black's band of hoodlums but not before receiving a severe blow to the head which causes him to pass out. While he lays unconscious by the side of a river a robber comes upon him and switches clothes with him! Of course the clothes are the only description the robber's very recent victim can identify!!! Luckily a trusting woman finds our hero before the law does. Luckier still, she turns out to be the sister of the now deceased man who Chris sent Nina ahead to for safety. Even luckier, she's also the sister of the man trying to frame Mr Morrell for the robbery! Even luckierest, the ranch Chris sent Nina to is now owned by the partner of the robber who tried to frame Morrell, who's the brother of the woman who found Chris after he escaped Sam Black, who was chasing them before they could leave on their search for Nina's father who just happens to show up at the very same ranch!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT?! Don't worry though it all works out OK in the end, except they kill Nina's father. She doesn't seem to mind, though. Neither do I since he makes his triumphant return, decades later, as ol' Gabby Johnson in Blazing Saddles.
I had a hard time staying awake during this movie. The action scenes are amateurish and mundane. Though the part when Wayne's character picks up a chair and uses it to smash the only light in a room to conceal his escape was kind cool. The part when he out-smarts Sam Black and his gang was simultaneuously clever and ridiculous. Mostly though what made this movie a snoozer was the excess of virtually silent scenes. The movie has a sparse soundtrack and the sound is not very good. Too often it felt like I was waiting for the next scene to start rather than watching anything actually happen.
'Neath the Arizona Skies. This 1934 western stars a very young-looking Marion Robert Morrison or, as he's better known, John Wayne and as far as I can recall makes no mention of actually taking place in Arizona. It starts off with a letter notifying several native american tribes of when and where to receive payments for the oil struck under their land. None of the listed tribes are known to have lived in Arizona and none of the tribes known to have lived in Arizona are listed on the letter...
Regardless, our precocious co-star Nina, played by Sheila Jean Rickert, is a half-native american/half-white, half-orphaned/half-abandoned girl who stands to inherit a hefty sum for the oil under her deceased mother's land. First though, in order to maintain her claim to the land her guardian Chris Morrell (Wayne) has to find her white father, who skipped out before she was born, or prove he's dead. Of course, no-goodnik and menacingly-named Sam Black finds out about this and aims to kidnap Nina so he can steal all the money coming her way and chases the pair out of town. The hi-jinx don't end there! Chris escapes Black's band of hoodlums but not before receiving a severe blow to the head which causes him to pass out. While he lays unconscious by the side of a river a robber comes upon him and switches clothes with him! Of course the clothes are the only description the robber's very recent victim can identify!!! Luckily a trusting woman finds our hero before the law does. Luckier still, she turns out to be the sister of the now deceased man who Chris sent Nina ahead to for safety. Even luckier, she's also the sister of the man trying to frame Mr Morrell for the robbery! Even luckierest, the ranch Chris sent Nina to is now owned by the partner of the robber who tried to frame Morrell, who's the brother of the woman who found Chris after he escaped Sam Black, who was chasing them before they could leave on their search for Nina's father who just happens to show up at the very same ranch!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT?! Don't worry though it all works out OK in the end, except they kill Nina's father. She doesn't seem to mind, though. Neither do I since he makes his triumphant return, decades later, as ol' Gabby Johnson in Blazing Saddles.
I had a hard time staying awake during this movie. The action scenes are amateurish and mundane. Though the part when Wayne's character picks up a chair and uses it to smash the only light in a room to conceal his escape was kind cool. The part when he out-smarts Sam Black and his gang was simultaneuously clever and ridiculous. Mostly though what made this movie a snoozer was the excess of virtually silent scenes. The movie has a sparse soundtrack and the sound is not very good. Too often it felt like I was waiting for the next scene to start rather than watching anything actually happen.
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