There may have been something lost in the translation of this 1977 Taiwanese import but I think I got it all on the first try, uncle. The movie starts off not with our hero (played by Carter Wong, who you may know as "Thunder" in "Big Trouble in Little China"!), but with his father challenging a member of the 8 masters to a duel. The man asks for a 3 month postponement which is denied. They immediately fight and both die. So, now the 8 Masters want revenge on the dead man. So they go after his son. The dead father's friend (who sports a suite Sonny Bonoesque mustache) however finds the son before the 8 Masters and brings him to a Shaolin temple for protection, but not before receiving the wounds that end up killing him. So flash forward 10 years and our hero is an adult and ready to leave the monastery because he had made a promise that he would blah blah blah who cares!? This is a 70's kung fu import! It's all about the fight scenes and there's plenty of them. This has more fight scenes than 2 Fast 2 Furious has fast-driving car scenes! So rather than go over the plot or acting or cinematography we're gonna go for some of the fight highlights, uncle.
The first battle of the movie is marred by large credits imposed over it and degraded film but it's still a fine taste of the fast paced combat to come, uncle. It's followed quickly by a scene of our hero being saved as a very young boy, uncle. His savior tosses him up from the ground to a high tree branch with his feet! then proceeds to dispatch 2 men before the boy loses his grip and is caught by his protector. Then before being allowed to leave the monastery he must take on more gold-painted, partially-nude men than you'd find at a gay pride parade. By far the best fight sequence of the movie is early on, in a restaurant soon after our protagonist leaves the monastery. The awesomeness of the scene is wholly-dependent on the defeat of a single opponent when our hero tosses him more than 10 feet off the ground causing him to get hung up on a balcony overlooking the restaurant! Now if that weren't enough the man stuck on the balcony then proceeds to wet his pants and it lands on the face of another defeated opponent below him (HOT!). The middle slows down in the fighting department but once our hero dons his racquetball uniform... IT'S ON! In a barrage of non-stop action he takes down the 8 Masters 1-by-1, mostly unarmed (though they rarely return the courtesy) and often outnumbered. He busts out some pretty impressive moves like snatching 2 swords out of mid-air that had been thrown at him, jumping of the flat of a held-out sword and running back up the suspended chain of a Kusari Gama to the enemy still holding it up! And it's all lightning quick with plenty of acrobatics and rather skillful fighting on the part of the actors. The end gets a little freaky though when he must take on 2 sets of..... well.... The best way I can describe them is equal parts geisha, Marilyn Manson video, Brazilian dream and The Hong Kong Danger Duo (YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE DANGER!).
There's more to the movie (secret daughters, a pair of suicides, blood debts, etc.) but a lot of it is kinda pointless and unnecessary, uncle. The constant fighting at the end gets a little tedious and the sound effects are annoying and headache-inducing to say the least. Every move is a accompanied by someone blowing into a microphone or some kind of amplified sound of two fat thighs dressed in corduroy or "windbreaker" material swishing past each other. The movie is dubbed rather than subbed. So while it provides for the amusing cliche of the mismatched mouths-to-audio it's not exactly the ideal method of translating a foreign film. Worst of all this movie doesn't even employ pan-and-scan, uncle. It simply cuts off the "excess" movie from its original format. One scene in particular has 2 people speaking and facing each other but neither can be seen, uncle. We're left to stare at a plain gray wall in the background.
As a movie it kinda falls short but as highlight reel fodder there's plenty to mine here, uncle. Every fight scene is pretty well done, nothing overly fancy like flying or magical powers, fast, occasionally goofy and, though often obviously choreographed, still fun to watch. Oh, and did I mention people call each other uncle a lot?!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
2 Fast 2 Furious
I watched this movie almost a week ago but I've been very unenthusiastic about writing a post about it. If you know me or read my previous post you know I love a bad movie-- and this is a bad movie but mostly it's just a stupid movie. The entire movie is just a vehicle for showing cars driving fast. More than 25% of the movie is speeding-car scenes. It gets old very quickly. Of course in order to squeeze in all this car driving and engine-revving, sacrifices had to be made, namely plot, acting, characterization, sense, substance, enjoyability. In the spirit of this movie, let's try and get this over with quickly.
The Plot
Suspending the disbelief that US Customs enforcement would bring on a convicted criminal (still on probation) and a former police officer on the run from the law, to try and catch a druglord with his hand in the cookie jar, the plot still has more holes than..... something with a shit-load of holes. First off, why would the druglord hire 2 people he doesn't know or trust to drive all his money to his yacht in fast flashy cars? He could have much more easily have gotten his 2 bodyguards (whom he sends with our 2 main characters anyway) in a non-nondescript Toyota Camry or 2, avoiding all attention. Second, why would they need to catch our friendly local druglord with sacks full of cash...? He owns a yacht, jet plane and mansion! I'll throw them a bone and say he's laundering the money he's used to paid for all that stuff but why wouldn't he just have laundered the cash?! Even he hadn't they obviously can't directly link the money to the drugs or they would have already. So they have him for what...? Tax evasion? Money laundering? They didn't need to let a corrupt cop get away with a laundry list of crimes and endanger countless lives to do that. They had an undercover customs agent sitting at his right hand with all the information they need for an arrest warrant or at least a search warrant!
The Acting
Tyrese Gibson did an OK job portraying Roman "Rome" Pearce who, from what I gather was, Brian O'Conner's (Paul Walker) former lover who went to prison for 3 years for being in possession of 8 stolen wheels... seems a little harsh. He at least appeared to be breathing which is more than we can say about our star, Paul Walker. Walker from now on will be referred to as White Birch-- why White Birch? You may be asking. Because it succinctly describes his acting in this movie: thin, wooden and very very white. He reads his line while standing in front of the camera with the best of them. Todd "Ludacris" Bridges also does an admirable job of reading his lines out loud. At least it wasn't Ja Rule...? Eva Mendes is in there as the ineffective, doe-eyed, damsel-in-distress doing a whole lot of nothing besides looking pretty.
The End
OK I'm done with this movie except to say this: This movie is not so subtly racist and sexist. The lone Asian male (Jin Auyeung) doesn't do the fun, dangerous driving he's just there to fix everything cause he's soooooo smart. Roman (Gibson) and Brian (White Birch) are both criminals (wanted or previously convicted) while the black man served time for a single infraction and starts off the story on house arrest while our great white savior has a laundry list of charges but completely dodges any convictions, let alone jail time. The only women allowed to even speak in the movie Monica (Mendes) and the respectfully named Suki (Devon Aoki) show the true essence of a woman: flash them a smile and drive a cool car and you're in! their pants.
Interested in fast, brightly-colored cars peppered with occasional emotionless, narrativeless talking bobbleheads? You could watch this crap fest but (I never thought I'd say this) you may be better of just watching that Nascar garbage.
The Plot
Suspending the disbelief that US Customs enforcement would bring on a convicted criminal (still on probation) and a former police officer on the run from the law, to try and catch a druglord with his hand in the cookie jar, the plot still has more holes than..... something with a shit-load of holes. First off, why would the druglord hire 2 people he doesn't know or trust to drive all his money to his yacht in fast flashy cars? He could have much more easily have gotten his 2 bodyguards (whom he sends with our 2 main characters anyway) in a non-nondescript Toyota Camry or 2, avoiding all attention. Second, why would they need to catch our friendly local druglord with sacks full of cash...? He owns a yacht, jet plane and mansion! I'll throw them a bone and say he's laundering the money he's used to paid for all that stuff but why wouldn't he just have laundered the cash?! Even he hadn't they obviously can't directly link the money to the drugs or they would have already. So they have him for what...? Tax evasion? Money laundering? They didn't need to let a corrupt cop get away with a laundry list of crimes and endanger countless lives to do that. They had an undercover customs agent sitting at his right hand with all the information they need for an arrest warrant or at least a search warrant!
The Acting
Tyrese Gibson did an OK job portraying Roman "Rome" Pearce who, from what I gather was, Brian O'Conner's (Paul Walker) former lover who went to prison for 3 years for being in possession of 8 stolen wheels... seems a little harsh. He at least appeared to be breathing which is more than we can say about our star, Paul Walker. Walker from now on will be referred to as White Birch-- why White Birch? You may be asking. Because it succinctly describes his acting in this movie: thin, wooden and very very white. He reads his line while standing in front of the camera with the best of them. Todd "Ludacris" Bridges also does an admirable job of reading his lines out loud. At least it wasn't Ja Rule...? Eva Mendes is in there as the ineffective, doe-eyed, damsel-in-distress doing a whole lot of nothing besides looking pretty.
The End
OK I'm done with this movie except to say this: This movie is not so subtly racist and sexist. The lone Asian male (Jin Auyeung) doesn't do the fun, dangerous driving he's just there to fix everything cause he's soooooo smart. Roman (Gibson) and Brian (White Birch) are both criminals (wanted or previously convicted) while the black man served time for a single infraction and starts off the story on house arrest while our great white savior has a laundry list of charges but completely dodges any convictions, let alone jail time. The only women allowed to even speak in the movie Monica (Mendes) and the respectfully named Suki (Devon Aoki) show the true essence of a woman: flash them a smile and drive a cool car and you're in! their pants.
Interested in fast, brightly-colored cars peppered with occasional emotionless, narrativeless talking bobbleheads? You could watch this crap fest but (I never thought I'd say this) you may be better of just watching that Nascar garbage.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
1st Testament: CIA Vengeance
"1st Testament: CIA Vengeance" is the first movie I watched on my trek to watch every movie available on Netflix. Now I've watched a lot of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 so I've seen some pretty horrible movies but this turd puts them all to shame-- wait, no... I guess this one elevates all other movies by setting a new low. The only redeeming value in this movie is the (I believe) unintentional comedy. The criticisms I have for this movie are too numerous to bother writing about but I'll go over a few of its failings.
The Plot
First off, I'm reticent about calling it a plot since not a damn thing happens. We're immediately introduced to our main character, CIA Agent Phillip whose first assignment is an assassination. Little does he know his target is former Mi5 operative, now member of Parliament, S&M control-freak Peter Armstrong who is also Phillip's friend! Of course, since he's a good solider Phillip kills his friend anyway (along with indiscriminately killing 3 innocent women but recruiting the male hotel clerk for no reason other than to keep him quiet), but not before agreeing to investigate "the organization". So there we go Agent Phillip not wanting to be a pawn of the CIA (who I think have their headquarters in a parking garage) anymore, accepts his doomed friends request to investigate them. Except.... no. He gets sent to kill another friend (possibly someone's wife, I'm not sure, who cares?) but when he refuses to go through with it he gets reassigned. His new assignment...? Training a Korean hooker to assassinate the South Korean president to prevent South and North Korea from reuniting. So why is the movie called 1st Testament?! Well it seems that "The Testament Group" is... something. Apparently it's a religious groups whose goal it is to eliminate all religious groups! Oh no! 'Cause that might happen! But wait! What's this?!! They may not be so bad after all! Ya see Agent Phillip has been studying their methods and since their nonsensical pseudo-metaphysical horseshit mumbo-jumbo helps the Korean whore get rid of a headache, they must be good! Agent Phillip must help these people! Or just ignore them for the rest of the movie. Oh, I almost forgot Agent Phillips gets knighted by the Prime Minister of England in America with a plastic, bejeweled sword in the breakroom, I think.
The Acting
Let's start by talking about the good acting in this movie. OK now that we've got that out of the way let's talk about the bad acting. In the interest of time, space and interest I'm just gonna focus on the "stars" of the production writer/producer/star Ron Becks and Fabio/Bigfoot amalgamation Luciano Saber. We're immediately treated to Ron Becks' acting style in his opening voice-over monologue which he reads like he has a gun to his head. Becks' performance is subtle, understated without the burdens of emotion or personality. His deadpan approach to acting is so precise and razor-sharp he's able to eliminate the "pan" and just go for dead. Luciano Saber's acting techniques, however, is the tried-and-true method of twitching all your facial muscles pointlessly while jerking your head about like a chicken. This is just a taste of the acting prowess in this gem. I haven't even touched on "The General" who can barely speak English or the two "British" characters with less-than-authentic english accents.
The Script
Possibly the most important part of any film, the script. We got the plot and the acting out of the way but without the script where would they be? At the very start of the film we're treated to these little treasures: In Agent Phillip's opening monologue- "No more wars, peace in the world and the CIA has gone to shit. In LA and Tokyo, they use their offices for sex parties. We used to kill the bad guys now we kill each other. I never know who the target is. Once it was a friend. My rival Agent Hawk uses his office to entertain. My boss Joan has me terminating friends but I know she's involved with The Testament Group. Ah, The Testament Group." From Agent Armstrong, in his I'm-sorry-is-that-supposed-to-be-British accent, through the bathroom door to his mistress- "Sweetheart, listen, you know I'm a possessive bastard and when I own you it's total, irreversible and passionate" After Agent Phillip kills his first 3 victims he takes out his cell phone and I suppose uses the speed dial and says the following- "Three!! Not one!! Three!!" then hangs up without another word. Oscar. Worthy. And this is before the first 15 minutes are up! The movie is chock full of the same quality dialogue. My favorite part is this little exchange between Agent Phillip and the Korean call-girl Noh from late in the movie:
Phillip:You say you feel sick. Where?
Noh: Like a migraine.
Phillip: Like a migraine.
Noh: Right between my eyes.
Phillip: Alright here's what I want you to do. Just keep talking to me, I'm gonna ask you some questions and just keep answering me. OK?
Noh: OK
Phillip: I want you to put this pain into a shape. Tell me what shape is it now
Noh: It's a ball.
Phillip: A ball. OK, how big is the ball? Use your hands to show me
Noh raises her hands and forms a ball with her hands
Noh: It's...
Phillip: About that big. Uh-hunh. What color is it now?
Noh: It's um, it's red.
Phillip: Red. OK, and what shape is it now?
Noh: Um, same shape.
Phillip: Mmm-hmm, and what color is it now?
Noh: It's almost like translucent. (pause) Wow!
....Brilliant.
I love a good horrible-movie and this one is the best horrible-movie I've ever seen. Highly-recommended! The entire thing is an exercise in embarrassment for everyone involved in it's production and I thank them for it.
The Plot
First off, I'm reticent about calling it a plot since not a damn thing happens. We're immediately introduced to our main character, CIA Agent Phillip whose first assignment is an assassination. Little does he know his target is former Mi5 operative, now member of Parliament, S&M control-freak Peter Armstrong who is also Phillip's friend! Of course, since he's a good solider Phillip kills his friend anyway (along with indiscriminately killing 3 innocent women but recruiting the male hotel clerk for no reason other than to keep him quiet), but not before agreeing to investigate "the organization". So there we go Agent Phillip not wanting to be a pawn of the CIA (who I think have their headquarters in a parking garage) anymore, accepts his doomed friends request to investigate them. Except.... no. He gets sent to kill another friend (possibly someone's wife, I'm not sure, who cares?) but when he refuses to go through with it he gets reassigned. His new assignment...? Training a Korean hooker to assassinate the South Korean president to prevent South and North Korea from reuniting. So why is the movie called 1st Testament?! Well it seems that "The Testament Group" is... something. Apparently it's a religious groups whose goal it is to eliminate all religious groups! Oh no! 'Cause that might happen! But wait! What's this?!! They may not be so bad after all! Ya see Agent Phillip has been studying their methods and since their nonsensical pseudo-metaphysical horseshit mumbo-jumbo helps the Korean whore get rid of a headache, they must be good! Agent Phillip must help these people! Or just ignore them for the rest of the movie. Oh, I almost forgot Agent Phillips gets knighted by the Prime Minister of England in America with a plastic, bejeweled sword in the breakroom, I think.
The Acting
Let's start by talking about the good acting in this movie. OK now that we've got that out of the way let's talk about the bad acting. In the interest of time, space and interest I'm just gonna focus on the "stars" of the production writer/producer/star Ron Becks and Fabio/Bigfoot amalgamation Luciano Saber. We're immediately treated to Ron Becks' acting style in his opening voice-over monologue which he reads like he has a gun to his head. Becks' performance is subtle, understated without the burdens of emotion or personality. His deadpan approach to acting is so precise and razor-sharp he's able to eliminate the "pan" and just go for dead. Luciano Saber's acting techniques, however, is the tried-and-true method of twitching all your facial muscles pointlessly while jerking your head about like a chicken. This is just a taste of the acting prowess in this gem. I haven't even touched on "The General" who can barely speak English or the two "British" characters with less-than-authentic english accents.
The Script
Possibly the most important part of any film, the script. We got the plot and the acting out of the way but without the script where would they be? At the very start of the film we're treated to these little treasures: In Agent Phillip's opening monologue- "No more wars, peace in the world and the CIA has gone to shit. In LA and Tokyo, they use their offices for sex parties. We used to kill the bad guys now we kill each other. I never know who the target is. Once it was a friend. My rival Agent Hawk uses his office to entertain. My boss Joan has me terminating friends but I know she's involved with The Testament Group. Ah, The Testament Group." From Agent Armstrong, in his I'm-sorry-is-that-supposed-to-be-British accent, through the bathroom door to his mistress- "Sweetheart, listen, you know I'm a possessive bastard and when I own you it's total, irreversible and passionate" After Agent Phillip kills his first 3 victims he takes out his cell phone and I suppose uses the speed dial and says the following- "Three!! Not one!! Three!!" then hangs up without another word. Oscar. Worthy. And this is before the first 15 minutes are up! The movie is chock full of the same quality dialogue. My favorite part is this little exchange between Agent Phillip and the Korean call-girl Noh from late in the movie:
Phillip:You say you feel sick. Where?
Noh: Like a migraine.
Phillip: Like a migraine.
Noh: Right between my eyes.
Phillip: Alright here's what I want you to do. Just keep talking to me, I'm gonna ask you some questions and just keep answering me. OK?
Noh: OK
Phillip: I want you to put this pain into a shape. Tell me what shape is it now
Noh: It's a ball.
Phillip: A ball. OK, how big is the ball? Use your hands to show me
Noh raises her hands and forms a ball with her hands
Noh: It's...
Phillip: About that big. Uh-hunh. What color is it now?
Noh: It's um, it's red.
Phillip: Red. OK, and what shape is it now?
Noh: Um, same shape.
Phillip: Mmm-hmm, and what color is it now?
Noh: It's almost like translucent. (pause) Wow!
....Brilliant.
I love a good horrible-movie and this one is the best horrible-movie I've ever seen. Highly-recommended! The entire thing is an exercise in embarrassment for everyone involved in it's production and I thank them for it.
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